


Shame (Free) Eating

by MadAlien



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder, Bulimia, Discussions of Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food Issues, M/M, Sebastien Is Only Mentioned and Doesn't Actually Make an Appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21728551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAlien/pseuds/MadAlien
Summary: David ruminates on his relationship with food with the support of Patrick.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 17
Kudos: 210





	Shame (Free) Eating

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a discussion with some of the Rosebuddies re: David's food issues. As always, many thanks for their support & inspiration.
> 
> Positive vibes and virtual hugs to anyone trying to overcome eating disorders/disordered eating and make their relationship with food a healthy one. It's tough business, but you are tougher!

David is hunched over a mostly empty pizza box when Patrick comes home, and he immediately looks up when he hears the door open, leveling Patrick with a look of alarm and the slightest hint of accusation. 

“I thought you weren’t going to be home until eight,” he says, sounding a little wary. 

Patrick frowns. “It’s good to see you, too, David. I’ve missed you all day long while I was at the tax seminar,” he says flatly. “The seminar let out early,” he adds. 

“Oh. I missed you too,” David says, getting up to kiss Patrick in penitence (and just because he wants to kiss him). “It’s just … you know I prefer to do my shame eating in private. 

A pause. 

Patrick has a pinched look on his face, and David knows he’s not going to enjoy what comes out of his mouth next. “And _you_ know,” Patrick says gently, “that I hate it when you use the phrase ‘shame eating.’”

David was right. He does not like this. This is not the first time Patrick has attempted to probe into David’s relationship with food, but David hates it every time. Patrick is never cruel, never pushy, never judgmental. But it’s clear to David that Patrick is bothered by the fact that David is hesitant to engage, that he skirts around the conversation or changes the subject whenever Patrick brings it up. 

It’s just easier this way. It’s easier to push it aside and not deal with it. This is what he’s been doing for over half his life, anyway. He’s long convinced himself that turning a blind eye is the most straightforward move when you’ve dabbled in pretty much every arena on the disordered eating spectrum.

He’s squirreled away Smarties and Coffee Crisps in his room, hiding them from Adelina, only eating them in the dead of night when everyone was asleep and he was awake with his anxieties and fears and insecurities. 

He’s feasted in front of people and or all alone and then sped to the bathroom to purge, hoping to feel satisfaction or relief, but only gaining a deeper sense of despair. 

He’s starved himself for days, feeling weak and spineless when he couldn’t bear the hunger pains any longer and ate a carrot or an apple. 

He’s put on the appearance of eating a “normal” amount of food and then spent hours at the gym to “make up for his failings.” 

He’s eaten everything he wanted to eat and felt shame. 

He’s eaten nothing at all and felt shame. 

He’s eaten in the company of celebrities and dignitaries and felt shame. 

He’s eaten alone and felt shame. 

Somewhere around the age of fifteen, he just decided that there was no separating food and shame, and that’s just been his reality ever since. 

It’s exhausting. 

In adulthood, he's swung from extreme to extreme. Once, when he was twenty-five, he was on the path toward developing a healthy relationship with food, after having attended an exclusive private clinic recommended to him by Sarah Michelle Gellar in the VIP lounge of a speakeasy in London. 

He’d just begun to scrub the moral value from food and view it as a neutral entity that didn’t define his worth, and then he met Sebastien, who made it his goal to belittle and control David and convince him that he was never enough. Sebastien told David he was fat and ugly, and David believed it, and he was right back to where he started as if all his counseling sessions with a lovely woman named Sherry had never happened. 

So obviously David hates this conversation—it’s too painful, too messy, too embarrassing. But he hates the worry and concern on Patrick’s face more, so he takes a deep breath and tries to collect his thoughts. 

"I know I don’t have a healthy relationship with food,” he says slowly. “But … it feels too late to fix it.” 

Patrick has David in his arms in an instant. He presses a kiss to David’s cheekbone and smooths his hands down his back. “It’s not too late, David,” he promises him. “You deserve to be able to just enjoy food, to eat something because you want to eat something and not feel ashamed or have negative feelings about it.” 

“That … that sounds nice,” David says quietly, pulling back to look Patrick in the eye, but keeping his arms around him. “Is that how you feel? About eating, I mean? Like … you just eat food that sounds good and … that’s it?” 

Patrick shrugs as best he can with his arms around David’s waist. “Yeah, I guess so. I honestly don’t think about it that much.” 

“I can’t _not_ think about it, Patrick,” David says. “It’s just so … complicated. Intense. I have all these feelings and memories wrapped up with eating or not eating or eating and then purging, and they're there all the time, and I don’t know how to make them go away.” 

Patrick kisses David, because how could he not. “I don’t have the answer either,” he says seriously, “but, if you want me to, I could try to help you find it.” 

David smiles softly, fondly and presses his lips to Patrick’s again. “Yes, I’d—I’d like that. Thank you, Patrick.” 


End file.
